The guy from Baltimore (Greg Szczepaniak)

TDS is a thing.

Note: When I initially wrote this post, I kept Greg Szczepaniak’s identification private. Then he decided to up the shit talk. Which—was a choice. So while I wish this guy no personal ill, I’d certainly never, ever, ever turn to him for realty assistance were I moving to/from Baltimore.

I met a guy from Baltimore yesterday.

Well, “met” implies we actually came face to face. Shook hands. Smooched. Whatnot.

Alas, none of that happened.

Instead, a guy from Baltimore posted something on my Instagram feed, after I raved about the SNL clip featuring the four Olympic hockey players and Connor Storrie of “Heated Rivalry.”

I wrote this:

He responded with this:

And because I’m a nice enough guy, and because it’s never my goal to get people fired/hurt their careers, I covered his name and blurred his image. But I also took the time to scroll the Information Superhighway to learn more about the bruh, and here’s what gets me.

What always gets me.

The Baltimore guy is a real estate agent … in Baltimore. Having spent a ton of time in the city for Tupac research, Baltimore oozes diversity. It’s Black. It’s White. It’s Asian. It’s Latino. You can snag a taco over here, sushi over there, Ethiopian food down there. Truly, it’s the metropolis’ greatest strength—hands down. It’s culture personified.

So how are you—a man charged with selling people homes in such a city—supporting a president who earned his political bones by lying that Barack Obama was a Kenyan-born Muslim sans birth certificate? How do you, Baltimore resident, sit back and kneel as your president demands the Central Park 5 be put to death, post-exoneration? How, when you learn about Donald Trump’s past Queens housing racism, do you offer your approval? How are you OK with his dismissing of seemingly every Black military leader? How are you OK with his alcoholic defense secretary bemoaning diversity “as weakness”?

Hell, in myriad photos on your Facebook page you are literally wearing a Lamar Jackson jersey—a young Black man who was born and raised in an economically distressed section of Pompano Beach, Florida. Lamar Jackson is your guy. Your kids worship him. A dude who rose from poverty, who had to suffer through underfunded schools with budgets slashed by conservative state officials. Please, tell Lamar Jackson diversity is evil. Tell him he was probably a DEI hire.

Fucks, let’s go deeper. You, Baltimore guy, have two kids. Clearly, from the photos, you love them, cherish them, value them, want them to grow up to be decent, kind, empathetic. So when you hear Donald Trump calling people “retarded,” when you see him mocking disabled folks, when you listen to him ridiculing women for their looks, their weight, when you find out he cheated on wife 1 with wife 2, and wife 2 with wife 3, and wife 3 with a porn star—does none of that give you pause? At all? It’s just Don being Don? Haha. Chuckles.

Am I—the man who sees Donald Trump for who he has always been—the one with TDS? Or is it you, Baltimore guy? Is it the inability to ever say, “Wait a minute—this isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t what I want our nation to look like. This isn’t who we should be”?

Look at your children tonight, Baltimore guy. Try on your Lamar Jackson jersey.

Cruise around your amazing city.

Who has TDS, buddy?

Who has TDS?

•••

PS: Update. Fuck it—his name is Greg Szczepaniak. If you have friends in Baltimore, or friends moving to Baltimore, and you wanna avoid some Trumpy creep, definitely don’t use this dude as your realtor.