The Bidens want back in!

And herpes is hotter than ever.

According to an NBC News report headlined, THE BIDENS WANT BACK IN, um, the Bidens want back in. Meaning Joe Biden has informed Democratic leaders that “he’ll raise funds, campaign and do anything else necessary for Democrats to recover lost ground as the Trump administration rolls back programs the party helped design, according to people close to him.”

Off the top of my head, here are 10 steps the Democratic Party can take that would be more beneficial to its future than Joe Biden’s return.

• Change the party slogan to, “She like, ‘What picture? That ain't my bitch’”

• Fart in a glass and light a match.

• Invest in 500,000 Lastings Milledge rookie cards.

• Count to three.

• Re-watch all of the “Anora” sex scenes, only dub in Peter Cetera vocals.

• Do the ice bucket challenge, replacing the water with Fluoroantimonic acid.

• Re-release Paul Tsongas’ 1984 autobiography, “Heading Home.”

• Stab yourself in the temple with a pencil.

• Then twist the pencil 106 1/2 times.

• Then stab the other temple.

I mean, seriously. What the actual fuck? What. The. Actual. Fuck. Not all that long ago, I counted myself among Joe Biden’s biggest fans. As a fellow University of Delaware grad, I always found Biden to be extraordinarily … First State at heart. Which is to say he was humble, compassionate, caring, decent, earnest. I was thrilled when he announced his run for the presidency in 2020, and even more thrilled when he won. Hell, everything about the stated plan made perfect sense: Serve four years, get us as far away from Donald Trump as possible, then surrender the torch to a younger person who could continue to move our country forward.

But, nooooooooo.

No.

No.

No.

Joe Biden just had to run again. He had to finish the job. He beat Trump once, so he’d surely beat him again. Even when his poll numbers were brutal. Even when the No. 1 concern of the electorate—age—was unsolvable. Even when—it turns out—those closest to him saw his decline, saw his stumbles, saw his pronounced slippage.

Nope, Joe Biden held our party hostage for the same exact reason Chuck (We Will Fight! We Will Win!!!!) Schumer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Dianne Feinstein stay far past their expiration dates: Ego, ego, ego. And, because of that ego, we were forced to endure that preposterous debate hellscape, followed by the awkward exit, followed by the clumsy pivot to Kamala Harris, followed by an abridged campaign, followed by the potential end of American democracy.

Now, as a veteran writer, I can tell you that journalistic tradition dictates this is the moment in the text where I’m supposed to say something nice about Joe Biden, just to soften the blow. But—I won’t. He lost me, never to return. I 100 percent blame him (and his enabling family) for this mess. Maybe that’s flawed thinking. Maybe Trump would have won regardless. But we’re here, now, in this vomit-coated pickle, because Joe Biden’s ego exceeded his sensibility.

That is his damned legacy—the crashing and burning of democracy because, even diminished, he refused to retire to card games and shuffleboard and presidential library planning

So, nah, Joe. Nah, Jill. You can’t come back in.

You shut that door long ago.