Shan Kurtz wants students to secretly record their teachers.

She also has the ears of four Capo Unified School Board members. No, I'm not exaggerating. Yes, it's a problem.

Shan Kurtz—she’s watching you (teachers). Watching your every move. Clap, clap.

First, to state the obvious, Shan Kurtz is a dope-ass name.

What I mean is, were I starting a punk rock band, I’m either calling it Asthmatic Cat, Shooty Babitt, Hemorrhoids in Love or Shan Kurtz.

Second, you’ve likely never heard of Shan Kurtz. Even if you’re in a punk rock band named “Shan Kurtz”; even if you live in Southern California and follow local right-wing wackadoos who purchase MAGA caps in bulk and fulfill their own perverse 15-minutes-of-fame desires by barking at school board meetings, then returning home to place photos of Donald Trump alongside those of Jesus Christ, Ted Nugent, Scooby Doo and the Virgin Mary.

Third, although we have yet to meet, Shan Kurtz is my new best friend.

Seriously, my new best friend. My BFF.

Why? Because earlier this week, Shan Kurtz—who overlords the jarringly unhinged-yet-riveting Instagram feed @caparentsrightsactnow—posted something equal parts breathtakingly dumb, breathtaking telling and breathtakingly useful come school board elections

It is this …

And you may be thinking, “Hmm, what’s the big deal?”

Well, here’s the big deal: Shan Kurtz is part of a tight network of local hard-right educational activists that includes (among others) Sonja Shaw (the State Superintendent candidate who delights in berating trans kids at track meets), Tara Thornton (an aspiring instigator with dazzling hair and the vocabulary of a Tickle Me Elmo doll), Amber Smith (the grumpy Reform Capo CEO who just wants the mean girls to acknowledge her) and (drumroll, please …) the four MAGA-loving members of the Capo Unified School Board (AKA: Lisa Davis, Jennifer Adnams, Judy Bullockus and Lisa Zollinger). These are not merely people who share common beliefs. No, they compare notes, shop off of duplicate lists, appear at the same events and regurgitate talking points. Where there is Shan Kurtz, there is Lisa Davis. Where there is Jennifer Adnams, there is Shan Kurtz. It is a (bowel) movement of empowered white women with perfectly botoxed heads and pocketbook Bibles taking back America one groomer accusation at a time.

So, if I’m an attendee at the next Capo Unified School Board meeting (Oct. 15—inside the District Office Board Room at 33122 Valle Road, San Juan Capistrano), I’m using my available speaking time to note, in front of the board, that one of their biggest allies is calling for students to obtain hidden cameras (from friggin’ O’Keefe Media, no less) and spy on teachers. And if I’m running against any of the Nutty 4 in future elections, I’m campaigning (over and over and over and over again) that one of their biggest allies is calling for students to obtain hidden cameras (from friggin’ O’Keefe Media, no less) and spy on teachers. The campaign literature writes itself: LISA DAVIS’ BFF WANTS TEACHERS TO BE SPIED ON. DO YOU?

Hell, let’s let the whole thing sink in for a moment. Davis, the school board president and a woman whose overzealous tuna salad-scented hugs damn young children to therapy, is a friend and collaborator of someone pushing for students to spy on their teachers. Think about that. Think about that twice. Here educators are, just trying to explain calculus and chemistry and “The Grapes of Wrath” to pupils whose brains have been sucked to hell by their iPhones, and now they have to worry about … this? Seriously? Not budget cuts. Not behavioral issues. But being videotaped and exposed on social media by a 12-year-old whose mom is an (checks notes) esthetician?

Wait. I forgot to mention that part. Shan Kurtz, defender of liberty, is a retired esthetician. Which, of course, is a completely legitimate and reasonable profession. I’m not just saying that: I dig glowy skin as much as the next person. We all do. But, like, why are soooooooooooooooooooooo many of the Moms for Liberty types the least-educated among us? And why (besides volume and intensity) do they hold any sway? I mean, I was no Charlie Kirk fan, but at least the dude attended Harper College for a semester and seemed to read books. I think Steve Bannon is nuts, but he does have a Harvard MBA (for Shan, that means “Masters of Business Administration”). Even Trump (as eloquent as a furnace) graduated from Penn.

With Kurtz, the warpness goes beyond skin deep. Not all that long ago, she was something of a local liberal activist. She organized a George Floyd walk. Spoke of compassion, of kindness, of equity. When she cruised the earth as Shanyn Ribnick (her mid-level maiden name), she ran a lovely Pinterest page called EDUCATION FOR THE KIDDOS. And I don’t know what debilitating fungus overtook people like Kurtz, and Shaw, and Davis, and Thornton, but something clearly snapped. Maybe it was COVID. Maybe it was MAGA. Maybe it was an “I Am Legend”-esque virus. Maybe it’s the sense of online community; a gaggle of angry mothers emerging from a lockdown seeking a bond with … someone. Anyone.

Whatever the case, their brains collectively swerved off the track and rammed the incinerator. Whereas once, not all that long ago, they would have shuddered at the idea of supporting a man accused of sexual assault more than 18 times, now they line up and salute. Whereas once, not all that long ago, they would have recoiled at the raw ugliness of the $5 Made-In-China MAGA cap, now they wear the authoritarian uniform proudly. Whereas once they saw teachers as valued educators, now they see them as potential enemies; as liberal indoctrinators itching to lie and say the Jan. 6 Capitol attack was an assault on democracy.

Incredible as it sounds, Shan Kurtz and her illiterate gang of gadflies want students to spy on teachers.

I am leaning toward Hemorrhoids in Love.

PS: Serious question for Shan and Co.: What happened? I’m legitimately interested—what the hell happened to y’all? Trump cheated on wife 1 with wife 2, wife 2 with wife 3, wife 3 with a porn star he paid off in hush money—and you remain steadfast in your belief he’s some sort of messenger of God? How? Why? When? Does God’s messenger brag about grabbing women by the pussies? Does he blow up Venezuelan boats just for kicks? Is this really what it’s come to for y’all? You’re terrified of groomers, but Epstein’s bro gets a free pass? What broke in you? What crumbled?

PPS: Shan talks, Lisa listens …

PPPS: Since all these women love Charlie Kirk, I’d like to note that his widow spoke eloquently at yesterday’s memorial service, and urged peace and forgiveness. She was great. Then the orange monster y’all worship said this …