Send in the nuts

The Orange County Republican Party has endorsed its candidates. And—Whoa, Nelly!

I love the above photograph.

It was taken this past weekend, and features Will O’Neill, chairman of the Orange County Republican Party, standing alongside Gracey Van Der Mark, the Huntington Beach City Council member and candidate for California’s 72nd assembly district.

And, not all that long ago, O’Neill was just your sorta dime-a-dozen, somewhat-douchey-but-sane Newport Beach Republican, white and conservative and concerned with lower taxes and business development and the perfect $11 cup of coffee. He’s no dummy—a Stanford grad, an attorney, someone who, as Newport’s mayor in 2020, decreed it “The Year Of The Volunteer” in an effort to encourage folks to give back and lend a hand. When Kobe Bryant and a large handful of locals died in a helicopter crash, O’Neill spoke at a vigil. Actually, he didn’t merely speak. He spoke beautifully …

“There were seven lights that were burning bright this morning in Newport Beach and they got snuffed out,” he said. “When we lose fathers and mothers and daughters and sons and those lights go out, we come together as a community. That’s who we are.”

I repeat: Not all that long ago, Will O’Neill was OK.

So I have to think, deep down, standing alongside a woman with an IQ of 12 and a propensity for QAnon sympathies and an appetite for dead vultures and book bans, O’Neill was thinking to himself, “How the flippity fuck did my life come to this? How am I standing here, in San Diego for the state party convention, with a bunch of idiot lunatics who wouldn’t know the difference between an ordinance and an obstetrician? How did this hit rock bottom?”

The answer, of course, is obvious and a bit depressing: Power. Proximity to power. Realizing that, to survive in the modern GOP, one must surrender all shreds of decency, integrity, kindness, empathy, warmth over to an orange conman who, around the same time Will was one-arming Gracey, posted this on social media …

Yup.

Alas, Gracey wasn’t the only lunatic Will had to stand alongside and fake smile.

Here, Gracey breaks it down …

And if you’re wondering, “Who are these freaks?” Well …

Michael Gates: Running for attorney general. Held a U.S. Department of Justice job but was allegedly fired (by the Trump Administration!) for creating a hostile work environment. Says he wasn’t actually fired; just left a really sweet job that he’d waited his whole life for because … um … eh … Yeah. Not for nothing, supposedly smells like poop (not making that up).

Gloria Romero: Running for lieutenant governor. Left the Democratic party in 2024 over myriad issues, including (I’m also not making this up) gender identity, school choice and gas stoves. Lists RFK, Jr. as a personal hero and secretly longs to lick Donald Trump’s cheeks to the sounds of Rick Astley’s greatest hits.

Sonya Shaw: Running for state superintendent. Also, without question, the biggest lunatic in the entire state. Earned a special place in hell for attending a high school track and field meet with the deliberate intent of taunting a student and the child’s mother. Classy as a crack-pipe pimp, but far more cruel and heartless.

Herb Morgan: Running for state controller. Boring dude, big fan of James O'Keefe and O'Keefe Media Group. Of all the Republicans, he’s the most sane. Which is akin to being the world’s most natural Kardashian.

Don Wagner: Running for secretary of state. Everything Donald Trump says about election integrity, Wagner repeats and signs off upon. Weirdly, has never uttered a peep about the 2020 assault on the Capitol, or Trump’s nonstop claims that the election was rigged against him.

Also, we have to question his choice of wedding garb …

Jennifer Hawks: Running for state treasurer. Strangest bio of all the Republicans, in that she offers literary zero important background pertaining to the job. Might as well have a resume that reads, I’VE DONE SQUAT. This, from her own website …

So here we sit.

Or, really, here Will O’Neill sits. Wondering whether he can turn back time and just serve as a mid-sized mayor, and go back to a period where waves crashed and folks like Gracey Van Der Mark howled on street corners, a bottle of MD 20/20 in one hand, a severed cat head in the other.

Alas, those days are gone.

Long gone.