Garrett Dwyer of the Aliso Viejo City Council is a shit liar.

Bruh, at least try hiding it.

When I was a kid, I used to steal Fudgsicles from our garage freezer and eat them behind a big bush on the side of the house.

My mother was quickly on to me.

“Did you eat a Fudgsicle?” she’d ask.

Um, no.

“So why did I find a wrapper behind the big bush again?”

Silence.

“Alongside a bunch of your baseball cards.”

Glub.

Some variation of this repeated itself endless times. And the reason is quite simple: At age 10, I loved Fudgsicles and I was a shit liar.

Mom knew it.

•••

That was, oh, around 1982.

Here, 44 years later, Garrett Dwyer of the Aliso Viejo City Council is a shit liar—and we all know it.

In case you missed it (and you likely did), somewhat recently Dwyer was dressed down at the latest Aliso Viejo City Council meeting. The man bringing the heat is Sebastian Walter Young, a political future star (if he wants to be) who lives locally and attends a ton of meetings and arrived with a big ol’ bag of receipts.

Just watch, and enjoy …

Now, you might be thinking, “Surely, the kid at the podium misunderstands.” Right? I mean, why would Garrett Dwyer—in the heat of a re-election campaign—lie about being a part of the new bike lane initiative?

Answer: I have no idea—but Dwyer is, factually, lying. Hell, Garrett was appointed to the board one year ago as a replacement for Richard Hurt (who relocated), and by the time of his arrival new bike lanes had been approved.

I repeat: He joined America’s hottest hip-hop crew after the thing he’s bragging about actually occurred.

I offer you a list of 10 people who had as much to do with the new bike lanes as Garrett Dwyer:

• Your shoe.

• Former Menudo member Draco Rosa.

• Rabbi Eric Abbott of the Bethesda Jewish Congregation.

• Jim Beswick, who played in 17 games for the 1978 San Diego Padres.

• Former Vice President Schuyler Colfax.

• Max, the golden retriever who lived across the street from me when I was a kid.

• Katie Couric.

• The ham sandwich on your desk as you read this.

• Andrew Cathy, Chick-fil-A’s CEO.

• Malcolm X’s wife, Betty.

Craps, here’s what makes the bullshit even worse. Garrett is also taking credit for Aliso Viejo’s reduced speed limits—when he was 100-percent against the change.

And it’s like, bruh, you know these meetings are recorded, right? You know people chronicle the goings-on of local government, yes? You know that—while your MAGA king Trump is a professional liar who has gone all Jonestown on his warped, hypnotized supporters—you’re just a local mortgage broker named Garrett?

•••

I understand that we’re conditioned to the idea that all political figures lie, and it’s probably because, well, all political figures seem to lie.

But, truth be told, they don’t. Not here. Not on a local level. Not on this small of a stage.

So, please, vote for Marie Tsaasan in District 3.

When she wins, I’ll hook y’all up with Fudgsicles.

If I have any left.