Ziggy McBride has a fun name

But you’d be making a huge mistake to vote her to the Tustin School Board.

Were you to tell me Ziggy McBride was a middle reliever for the 1979 Houston Astros, I’d 100-percent believe it.

Were you to tell me Ziggy McBride played bass for Lynyrd Skynyrd, I’d also 100-percent believe it.

Ziggy McBride as a new Six Flags coaster? I can see it. Ziggy McBride as Bugs Bunny’s love interest? Absolutely.

It is a fun, wacky, wild, intriguing name.

But Ziggy McBride as a member of the Tustin School Board?

No.

Fucking.

Way.

As we speak, McBride is in a tight election fight against incumbent Jonathan Abelove in District Area 5. While Abelove is a longtime Board of Ed member who is widely respected in the community, McBride is … well, one of them.

Yes, one of them.

And if you don’t know what “one of them” means—(clears throat) here is exactly what it means: Up and down Orange County, there is a special genre of terrifying school board/aspiring school board member. They are, almost without fail, women. Women who smile with a crazed look in their eyes. Women whose campaign literature features a yellow bus with blue background …

These are women who love them some Sonja Shaw and Mari Barke. These are women who believe—without even a trace of hesitation—that Jesus Christ has placed them here to do his holy bidding, and that He needs to be more involved in public education. These are women who talk morality, but stretch, pull and twist their own backgrounds to sound as educationally informed as possible.

For example, in a recent interview with the Orange County Register, McBride bragged that, “[for] 15 years every summer I co-direct Hero Camp, a summer youth camp serving more than 100 children ages 3–18.” Which sounds wonderful. Hell, who doesn’t dig summer camp? A lake, tetherball, maybe a campout. Summer camp! Awesome. LFG.

Alas, (cough) Hero Camp ain’t what you think. It’s a religious indoctrination boot camp paid for by the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Which … hey. Whatever floats your boat. But don’t exaggerate and half-truth shit. Along those lines, McBride refers to herself as an educator. Over and over and over and over again. Educator, educator, education. And this is an old Moms For Liberty trick, where if you so much as licked a desk 36 years ago, you’re “educator.” But McBride is (gasp) a library media technician—which makes her less of an educator than I am (I teach one class a year at Chapman University. But at least I teach).

Furthermore, Ziggy McBride—who stresses she’s pro-”school choice,” homeschooled her two kids. And if that sounds … off, that’s because it is off. You’re Ziggy. You want to be on the school board. You say you believe in public education. And you (cough) home schooled your kids?

Seriously?

Like, seriously seriously?

On the surface, it makes no sense. But these Moms For Liberty candidates are here for a reason, and it’s to change the very definition of public education. They want Christ in school. They want to convince you trans students are evil threats to safety. They want to start charter schools, and they want teachers to align to their rightward beliefs.

They all (literally all) voted for Donald Trump, which is weird—because while they rock crosses arounds their necks and attend Sunday church services, he cheated on wife 1 with wife 2, wife 2 with with 3, wife 3 with a porn star he raw dogged, then paid off in hush money. Also, not for nothing, he keeps referring to Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed as “Muhammad.” Just to be xenophobic and a dick.

Not that McBride and her ilk care. They are incurious creatures; ignorant gnomes cocooned by a pious certainty that reads creepy and poisonous. They want you to think they’re lovely and compassionate. Have a cookie. Have some bubbles. Let’s take a selfie.

But, come day’s end, they’re dime-a-dozen Jim Bakker-modeled hucksters, with education as a front for a desire to have us all adopt their nuttiness.

Do not vote for Ziggy McBride.

[Even though she threw three shutout innings against the Mets.]