Newport Beach's Andrea McElroy isn't it.

The last thing the Newport-Mesa Unified School Board needs is someone this shockingly unqualified. Enter the alien lizards!

In the summer of 1983, when I was 11-years old, there was this three-part science fiction mini-series that ran on NBC.

It was called, “V.”

The story freaked out my little brain. In short: Aliens come to earth, and they’re lizard people with synthetic skin that makes them look human. Initially, we think the fake peeps are our friends. They share scientific secrets. They promise cures for cancer and heart disease. They like dancing and beer and sex.

But there’s a secret: We’re not their friends, we’re their food.

It gets worse. The aliens have this mind-control chamber, where they take homo Sapiens, dress them up in mid-1960s Slovenian Olympic gymnastic leotards, mess with our brains and turn us into members of lizard nation.

This scene, in particular, has never left my soul …

And, as I sit here writing about the School Board mess unfolding in Newport Beach, I can’t help but flash back to the lizards, the synthetic skin, the mind-melting machine. Because, not all that long ago in the pre-Will O’Neill days, Newport Beach Republicans behaved as functioning, run-of-the-mill conservatives. They were the keep-your-hands-off-my money Republicans. They were the khaki-and-sweater-vest Republicans. They were the I-just-bought-a-second-house-on-Balboa Republicans. Which isn’t to say they were my people, per se. But they were never, ever, ever the MAGA types; never folks who ranted about culture wars and DEI. These were, oh, Mitt Romney admirers. Ronald Reagan admirers. Educated. Informed.

Snobby? Yeah, on occasion. But not dolts. You didn’t have to agree with them (politically) to also witness their bouts of humanity. They had no beef with your gay son. Didn’t care if you campaigned against pollution. They, too, could see the ocean was rising, and found it troubling.

They were sane.

But then—I dunno. Really, I dunno. Somewhere between 2016 and now, a dizzying number of the Newport Beach Republicans (like O’Neill, the local GOP head) fully bought in on Donald Trump and Us v. Them and winning at all possible costs. There used to be a Grand Canyon-sized gulf between Huntington Beach Republicans and Newport Beach Republicans. Now, they’re (depressingly) all in the same gang.

In short, they entered the conversion chamber.

They joined the lizards.

•••

As we speak, ballots are being mailed out for a special election (the actual election day is June 10) being held to fill the Area 5 seat on the Newport-Mesa Unified School Board (Area 5 encompasses the neighborhoods feeding Newport Elementary, Ensign Intermediate and Newport Harbor High School). The two candidates are Kirstin Walsh and Andrea McElroy. These are their bios from their own websites …

And …

On the surface … yawn. Double yawn. Elections come, elections go. In particular, school board elections come and go. Some people notice, most people don’t. Voter turnout tends to sit at a fairly flat 20-to-30 percent.

But, well this is different.

Waaaaaay different.

This is some crazy-crazy-crazy-ass shit …

First, the election is nonsense. And, by nonsense, I mean, shouldn’t be happening and is only taking place because the local Republicans suck at accepting anything resembling an L. Vern Nelson of Orange Juice Blog explains it very well here, but I’ll paraphrase and condense: Last December, Michelle Barto, a member of the Newport-Mesa School Board, was elected to the Newport Beach City Council. This resulted in an opening, which was filled by Walsh, the Newport Harbor High PTA president, who submitted an application and was then interviewed (along with three other candidates) by board members. Yet O’Neill and his fellow area Republicans got pissy, and—to quote Nelson—“passed around a petition to have a special election instead.” Amazingly, they only needed 1.5 percent of voters to sign—so a minuscule 361 John Hancocks (from among 19,019 area voters) were sufficient to overrule the six board members and force the special election.

Walsh opted to run, and the Republicans recruited McElroy to battle against her. And, thanks to this pained silliness, the school district is paying approximately $500,000 out of taxpayer funds to hold an election for a slot … that expires next year.

Yes, there will be another election next year.

But the wasted dough isn’t the worst of it. Whether one subscribes to Walsh’s orthodoxy or disagrees with it, she was a fairly conventional and uncontroversial selection. This is how, for most of their existences, American school boards operated. They were composed primarily of local parents and concerned citizens who—politics a non-issue—wanted the best for area children. But, stealing from the Huntington Beach playbook, O’Neill and the Newport Beach Republicans decided only one of their own could fill the position. It was their way or no one’s way. They wanted someone who would parrot MAGA talking points, take issue with coded LGBTQ+ empathies and improper librarians and schools thrusting “liberal agendas” down the throats of pupils. They wanted the non-threatening “I’m just a soccer mom” type to step up and present non-threatening nonsense.

So they dug up Andrea McElroy.

And, well, she’s brutal.

First, here’s a snippet of McElroy, who was interviewed this past January for the spot ultimately offered to Walsh …

Someone who knows McElroy told me she is a “vapid airhead”—and, from the video, that seems kind. Someone else said she’s a warm person with a limited bandwidth. I can buy it. She recently turned down the opportunity to debate Walsh one on one, which makes sense. Here’s a look at her Trustee Vacancy Application. It’s as deep as a slice of loose-leaf …

Having literally no educational wherewithal to speak of, McElroy’s main selling point has been her experience as a businesswoman. It’s much of what she talks about. My business. Our business. Business success. Business experience. To cite her website: “Andrea has built an impressive career in both corporate and entrepreneurial ventures. … Following her tenure at Microsoft, Andrea pursued her entrepreneurial passions, owning and operating for 20 years, The Paper House, a beloved retail store in Newport Beach. She is recently the creator of Flair Play, an activewear brand dedicated to empowering women through innovative, stylish performance apparel.” Which, on the surface, sounds fantastic. The Paper House! Fair Play! Beloved retail! Empowering women!

Sign me up!

Only (glub) it’s 100-percent illusion.

Again to quote Nelson, “Andrea also boasts on her website of owning and operating, for TWENTY YEARS, a ‘beloved retail store in Newport Beach’ named The Paper House. Um, hate to say, twenty years not so much—the business filed in 2004, it first shows up as Andrea Young’s co-defendant in 2007 and 2008 lawsuits, the Yelp reviews are all from 2010-11, and the Franchise Tax Board suspended the business in 2013. Still, almost ten years, that’s SOMETHING.”

McElroy’s business record isn’t merely spotty and exaggerated and overflowing with brutal Yelp reviews—it’s remarkable for the myriad layers of incompetent awfulness. As Nelson uncovered, back in the day she owned something called “Union Market” in Tustin’s “The District”—a flamboyant failure of an endeavor that resulted in two of the 12 lawsuits filed against her.

You read that correctly. McElroy is the Michael Jordan of being sued. And if you don’t believe me, well, here’s the documentation …

But that’s not all. All candidates are required by law to file a FPPR (California Fair Political Practices Commission) Form 700 Statement of Economic Interests. These are public documents intended to educate voters on the personal and business holdings of any candidates. They’re important, because one would (presumably) want to know if a candidate has any conflicts of interest.

Well, McElroy filed her Form 700 two months ago, and she offered but a single economic issue disclosure. On Schedule A-2 (Investments, Income, and Assets of Business Entities—Ownership Interest of 10 percent or Greater) she only cited Flair Play Active, LLC, with a fair market value as “$0- $1,999.”

Seriously—“$0- $1,999.”

As to the “Nature of [her] Investment” and “Your Business Position” McElroy wrote “Co-founder – CEO,” She wrote nothing where she was required to disclose Flair Play’s gross income for the preceding 12 months. In the spot designated for disclosure of each source of Flair Play’s income exceeding $10,000, Ms. McElroy checked: “None.”

This is the woman who says her business acumen is her greatest strength.

And this farce would be preposterous enough without McElroy’s social media feed, which feature’s a who’s who of right-wing Orange County mashed potatoes who believe God put them in power; who believe librarians are poisoning minds; who believe sex education books are the Playboys of 2025, who love red hats and ICE raids and Tesla Cybertrucks and grabbing ‘em by the pussies.

Will Andrea McElroy pull out the victory? In the solid-red district within which she’s running, it’s certainly a possibility. But I hope that, just maybe, people will take a step or two off the political treadmill and focus in on the reality at hand.

A school board isn’t about Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative.

It’s about looking out for our children, and having people in charge who understand what that entails.

Who understand that, sometimes, the lizards need to back off.