Lisa Davis is a painfully dumb woman.

The Capo Unified School Board president is as intellectual as my dog, Poppy (and Poppy sometimes eats her own poop).

So I was (sadly, I suppose) unable to attend the Capo Unified School Board meeting earlier this week, which means I missed two major happenings of note:

• A. The Notorious BIG (aka: Judy Bullockus) finally apologized for dropping the n-word during a now long-ago session. Translation: She is most certainly planning on running for re-election next year, and the n-word affair has left her vulnerable. Or, as Dr. Martin Luther King once famously said, “If you’re going to acknowledge doing something offensively stupid, wait seven months first.”

• B. Lisa Davis, the Mom’s For Liberty-powered school board president, who is 100-percent MAGA, campaigned for Donald Trump, rolled with people who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6 and has hung with with the Three Percenters (a wacky band of far-right anti-government militia members), gave a meandering six-minute lecture on why Proposition 50 should fail. The main argument from a woman who owns her very own MAGA cap: We need to respect and honor democracy.

Stop laughing.

Seriously. Stop laughing.

Here it is. Watch at your own peril …

And I want to dive into Davis’ speech for a few moments, because I found it nothing short of remarkable, in the way a ferret gnawing at the rotting head of a roadkill squirrel is also remarkable …

First, I am willing to bet $650, my collection of Ken Griffey, Jr. baseball cards, seven oranges, 15 copies of some idiot’s (poorly selling) Roger Clemens biography and a random stranger’s spleen that the words were either written by:

A. Some GOP hack (Sonja Shaw, where you at girl?).

B. Some GOP hack’s unpaid intern.

C. Some GOP hack’s bored 12-year-old son (while playing 12-straight hours of Counter-Strike 2).

D. The Gays Against Groomers dude.

E. Amber Smith after mixing Benadryl and flaxseed oil.

Or …

E. (Most likely) Chat GPT.

Why? Because Lisa sounded like any number of my past college freshman writing students who forget to do an assignment, then toss it together at the last minute by stringing a blizzard of messy words and inserting enough numbers to dull the senses. Also, she could barely read the damn thing. Stumbles, bumbles, confusion, awkward transitions. Weird performance from (cough) the president of (cough) a school board.

Second, this is, like, the 109,444th example of Lisa “Let’s Keep Politics Out of the School Board” Davis inserting politics into the School Board. Or, put different: Last I checked, Davis was responsible for inviting the Gays Against Groomers hired gun to wreck shop and cause chaos last April. Because she is at the mercy and feet of Orange County’s right wing, and incapable of thinking for herself, and a Christian who failed to read the actual teachings of Jesus Christ, Davis is a culture warrior seemingly controlled and operated by the MAGA Machine. What they order, she implements. Without fail.

Third, you voted for Donald Trump. You, Lisa Davis—battler for democracy and freedom. Voted for a man who led/inspired an attack on the United States Capitol. Wore his hat. Sang his praises. Hell, sing his praises. Even as he does everything within his power to kill democracy and the very things you claim to hold so dear. You, Lisa Davis, are the last person any of us need offering a lecture on freedom, on independence, on voting rights. You have no credibility. Literally zero. I repeat: You openly, loudly, strongly supported … THE DUDE WHO TRIED TO OVERTURN AN ELECTION AND CHEATED ON WIFE 1 WITH WIFE 2, WITH 2 WITH WIFE 3, WIFE 3 WITH A PORN STAR HE PAID OFF IN HUSH MONEY. THE DUDE WHO BRAGGED ABOUT GRABBING WOMEN BY THE PUSSIES. THE DUDE WITH FIVE DRAFT DEFERMENTS FOR FAKE BONE SPURS. THE DUDE WHO HAS CHEATED AND LIED AND STOLEN HIS WAY TO THE TOP. You, Lisa Davis, support this … thing. So, please, spare us the lectures about democracy. Please. Spare us.

Fourth, where is Lisa Davis’ condemnation of the GOP’s redistricting plans across America? Lisa, where is it? You cool with Texas? How about North Carolina? You excited the Supreme Court is about the gut the Voting Rights Act? That dope for you? And are Democrats really supposed to just let the Republican Party steal elections from Americans? Is that what you’re advising us to do?

In all sincerity, Lisa, can you just be a school board president? Pretty please. Just work on improving education and making the children of this district a little more more informed and ready for the real world. Focus on that, and we’ll be OK.

Because, as we speak, you’re one or two degrees removed from fern status

Or from eating your own poop.