Jennifer Adnams makes me want to watch ferret porn
Or cut my hand off with a machete. Or eat rodent poop. Or drink acid. Anything but listen to her nutty-ass, fake-compassionate podcast.
In case you don’t follow these things, there is a woman on the Capo Unified School Board named Jennifer Adnams. She won her election a couple of years ago by selling herself as a kid-friendly, bubble-dispensing advocate of SoCal mothers and fathers. She was warm, smiling and embracing, with a vacant Forrest Gump stare and a forehead as Botox smooth as a new car fender.
Wait. I digress.
I bring up Jennifer Adnams because, with the start of yet another school year, she is continuing with her full-time, non-scholastic unpaid employment as a co-host of, sans argument, the creepiest-ass shit you will ever see.
I present to you … Around the Table, the show where four Trump-voting, everyone-needs-to-know-we’re-destined-for-heaven cult members (in tastelessly expensive wardrobes) explain why there is only one path toward salvation, and it involves voting for a man who bragged about grabbing women by the pussies being crazy wealthy while simultaneously sharing the word of the Lord with as many people as possible, no matter how or why or when. And, truly, Around the Table is remarkable appointment viewing, and a 100-percent worthwhile watch if, under the category of “worthwhile watch,” you relish raw-level callousness with a smile.
Or, put differently …
To translate:
Woman 1: OMG! There was, like, this homeless smelly guy! Near me!
Woman 2: OMG! Like, what did you do?
Woman 3: OMG! Like, did he smell of foot and used diaper?
Woman 1: OMG! We, like, tried being nice to him. But the smell! And, like, the homeless thing!
Woman 4: OMG! We all need spa days!
Women 1, 2, 3 and 4: OMG! YES!
Adnams (and her co-hosts) perfectly exemplify the new Moms for Liberty takeover of local school boards—where vapid, never-let-them-hear-you-fart Stepford Wives who demand Christ in all of our hearts sneak in via fraud compassion and pretend understanding. They win by selling you easily stated ideals: Schools can be better. Teachers need to be held accountable. We need more parental involvement. But what they seek, ultimately, is what their hard-right, Trump-endorsing churches and pastors demand: More God in class. The posting of the Ten Commandments. References to Jesus. Damnation of trans students and trans athletes. We are, they believe, a Christian nation.
And what gets me—like, what truly gets me—is the mirage of it all. I’ve now watched far too many minutes of Around the Table, and I would bet huge sums of money at least one of these women has (gasp!) a gay or bi- child. It’s almost a mathematical certainty, if you take general societal statistics and mix them with the number of hard-right fundamentalist households that scratch and claw to conceal what they would consider deep, dark secrets.
But would they ever address said matter? Hell, would they ever admit it? Say, “Yes, my child is gay, and they’re wonderful?” No. Never. Why? Because it punctures the illusion. Because what they’re selling is this …
… when the real world, away from the Christian nationalistic podcast stratosphere, is much more real.
And revealing.