"It took me five hours to read the research paper."

Orange County's own Dr. Shan Kurtz, who has a PhD in watching TikTok videos, wants you to know that the tie between autism and Tylenol is real. Because (cough) she heard some stuff.

The other day, when Donald Trump and RFK, Jr. held perhaps the most unhinged press conference in the history of unhinged press conferences, a tiny part of my cranium thought, “Well, even for the brainwashed MAGA dolts, this goes too far.”

I mean—fuckity fuck. Without offering a sliver of actual evidence or reasoning, the president of the United States of America ordered everyone to stop using Tylenol. Because, eh, Tylenol is bad. Really bad. So fucking bad. Then, to cap off the madness, he butchered the word “acetaminophen”—but even though he knew not what it was, well, acetaminophen is bad. Really, really bad.

Sigh.

So, I dunno. I figured, if nothing else, the fools among us would watch the freak show and think, “Eh, I’ve used Tylenol for a long time, and it has a proven track record. I’m not gonna pop seven of ‘em, but maybe my lord and savior is wrong on this one.”

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

Tonight, Shan Kurtz—queen of the Instagram feed @caparentsrightsactnow and a woman with exceptional skills at (A) skin care, (B) matching hats with shirts and (C) watching TikTok and then needing to share the first seven thoughts to jolt through her skull—posted this video.

Trust me, take a gander …

And, for the second time in a week, I’m genuinely grateful for Shan Kurtz’s presence, because she offers a bird’s eye view into a genre of species we (in mainstream America) fail to usually see and certainly don’t understand. Shan is … The Unhinged Believer. The person who views A and views B and knows—without a doubt—A+B always equals C. The person who whispers to herself, “That just makes too much sense” after absorbing a video of someone in a lab coat explaining how M&Ms cause herpes. The person who orders Lee Greenwood tickets from the Twitter account @ticketbabe5432. The person who hears a Taylor Swift song and believes, if played backward, Taylor is uttering commands from Satan. The person who would spent $99.99 on a chunk of Donald Trump’s bronzed shit—then later learn the excrement was actually produced by former Knick guard Gerald Wilkins.

Shan is someone who somehow looks at Donald Trump—a man who has cheated on all of his wives; a man who filed for bankruptcy innumerable times; a man accused to sexual assault nearly two dozen times; a man who has (on video) mocked everyone from POWs to the disabled to women to overweight people—and sees a truth teller. She digests what he says. Always. Gobbles it up. Without fail. Buys the MAHA cap, even though it was made in China and looks like shit. Cheers at the rallies, even though the man lies as he breathes. There are folks who watched Donald Trump at the United Nations yesterday and thought, “What a statesman! What a hero! What an American!”

Those folks are Shan Kurtz.

The problem, however, is people like Shan Kurtz tend to be … ignorant. I was gonna say “dumb,” but I don’t actually know whether Shan is dumb, or merely sheltered and unexposed and easily persuaded. Because, were she less ignorant, she would take more time to look into this autism-Tylenol thing before ignorantly re-spewing shit nuggets that could prove dangerous to people who actually (gasp) need Tylenol.

And she would find:

• Dr. Christina Parks is, in the actual medical world, as respected as a wilted fern. This is not me spewing. This is me—in Shan Kurtz’ lingo—“reading the research paper.” Parks works as a science teacher for a Christian homeschool organization (That should tell you something) who—while the possessor of a doctorate in cellular and molecular biology from Michigan in 1999—does not (and never has) done research or work in the field. Back in 2021, during the COVID shutdown, Parks repeatedly references a new study to make the anti-vaccine case, but deliberately misinterpreted findings that showed (gasp!) vaccines actually neutralize the delta variant.

Last year, Parks spoke at a Washington state commission meeting, where she argued the COVID vaccine did not prevent transmission, and was a form of “gene therapy.” She was all but laughed out of the room.

• A solid, oh, 99 percent of the world’s scientists say the same thing now that they’ve long said: The ties between Tylenol and autism are, at best, inconclusive. The Food and Drug Administration, the European Medicines Agency and the Society for Maternal-Fetal Medicine all utter the same thing. Repeatedly. If you’re pregnant, don’t gobble up Tylenol. Hell, if you’re not pregnant, don’t gobble up Tylenol. Why? Because it’s medicine. And medicine is not candy.

• Social media is not the fucking place to go to get medical advice. Seriously, Shan Kurtz. You literally live in the shadow of UC Irvine, one of the nation’s great research facilities. You wanna get answers. Call these people ….

Hell, drive up to UCLA and ask this women …

Or seek out a pediatrician. You know, people who went to medical school …

Alas, you wouldn’t do such a thing.

You have your Instagram feed.

You have your followers.

You have your MAHA cap.

You have your limited world view.

You have your Donald Trump IV drip.

And you have your principles.

You are Shan Kurtz, dammit.

Who needs research?

You’ve got instinct.