It seems Chad Williams REALLY wants your kids to know all about porn.

Wondering why your fourth grader is suddenly Googling penises, vaginas, boobs, hookers, dildos and 69? Thank Huntington Beach's crazy-ass council member and his newfound obsession.

Back in the Lord’s year of 1988, George H. W. Bush, the Republican vice president of the United States, squared off against Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis to determine who would become the nation’s 41st president.

And, for a good amount of time, Dukakis was the clear frontrunner. Polling had him up 10, up 11, up 12, up 15, up 19—and anyone who was anyone in American politics seemed quite certain the bookish Democrat would emerge victorious. Dukakis was likable, smart, savvy and fresh faced. He pretty much had it in the bag.

But then—in an all-time, all-time, all-time political gaffe—on September 13, 1988, Dukakis dressed up in military greens and a buffoonish hard helmet, climbed into a tank and posed for a laughably ridiculous photograph that screamed, ‘WHY THE HELL IS THIS GUY COSPLAYING SOLIDER?”

This ad, via Bush’s campaign, immediately followed …

And, well, that was that. Dukakis was mocked, lampooned, ridiculed, demeaned. He plummeted from the next JFK to the next Pee Wee Herman. He would up suffering a 426-111 electoral college blowout loss, and faded off into the political abyss.

In short, one stunt destroyed his entire credibility.

Which (cough) leads us to Chad Williams of the Huntington Beach City Council.

And the porn stunt from hell.

In case you missed this, when mothers and fathers in Huntington Beach rose yesterday morning to drive their children to school, they were greeted by the following signs, which were hung all over the metropolis and, weirdly, in fairly close proximity to elementary schools, middle schools and high schools …

If you zoom in, the banners were funded by Williams, a former Navy Seal-turned-T'Pau roadie-turned-religious zealot-turned-council member. He is working overtime to make sure an upcoming June 10 special election doesn’t doom his diabolical plan to grant the MAGA-packed City Council ultimate authority to determine which children’s books no longer belong in the public libraries (You can read about A and B and the election and what it all means here).

And here’s the thing.

The profoundly fucked-up thing.

The profoundly fucked-up thing Williams either: A. Miscalculated or B. Did by design, in some beyond-warped diabolical plan.

If you don’t want kids to know about porn, maybe—just maybe—DON’T SURROUND THEIR FRIGGIN’ SCHOOLS WITH SIGNAGE THAT READS PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM PORN. Maybe don’t introduce them to the word PORN via the poster that reads PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM PORN. Maybe don’t ensure that, oh, 75 percent of Huntington Beach school attendees rushed home yesterday to Google “porn” because of the PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM PORN messaging brought forth by Williams and his merry band of closeted porn-literate masturbators.

I mean, seriously, how dumb can this dude possibly be? Hey, boys and girls. There’s one thing your Uncle Chad wants you not to think about, and it’s porn. Do not ask your friends about porn, do not look up the word ‘porn’—and certainly don’t Google porn. Because porn is so insanely bad that the last thing you guys should do is ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seek it out. So even though I’ve now put the word ‘porn’ in your heads, do not—under any circumstance—scan porn or ponder porn or wonder about porn or, cough, fantasize over Ricardo Montalban in a Speedo. Because porn is so terrible, it will … well, it’ll blow your minds. So, seriously, don’t Google porn! No porn! No, no, no, no porn!

Sigh.

Here’s a fun game: Take a moment to ask a therapist about children and the act of coveting. By telling kids something is off limits, you are all but guaranteeing they will not merely want it, but seek it out. It’s the old don’t-touch-the-stove-because-it’s-hot saga, and the inevitable charred fingers.

If Chad Williams’ goal is to keep children away from porn, he has failed in a spectacular manner. Which isn’t as surprising as one might think, for Williams is—in ways large and small—a dolt. He’s the dumb guy who thinks he’s smart. The religious zealot who subscribes to an everyone-must-follow-for-I-am-100-percent-right belief system. The ex-Navy Seal who confuses democracy and authoritarianism. The MAGA lemming who would need a dictionary to define lemming. The moron who actually believes, in 2025, kids are sneaking into the local library to grab looks at a clitoris.¹

And, not for nothing, Williams fits snugly into an uncomfortable category. Modern history is overflowing with hard-right culture warriors who bark and scream and bellow, but—behind their public movements—suppress darkness. How’s Father Jaime Arriaga doing these days? How about ol’ Mark Foley? Or Robert Bauman? Is Matt Schlapp still bringing it hard? Anyone hear from the Zieglers lately? What rock is Jerry Falwell, Jr living beneath? Where you at, Larry Craig?

I cannot profess to grasp the specifics of Chad Williams’ personal demons (perhaps it’s merely a deep love of Keira Knightley films, or a longing to skip naked across Laguna Beach crosswalks, or some level of Navy SEAL PTSD), but I do know rare is the soul who fights aloud without fighting something deep within.

So, I say to Chad—PROTECT OUR KIDS FROM YOU TELLING THEM ALL ABOUT PORN!

And check yourself for hypocrisy.

PS: On Saturday, Chad’s brethren hit up Huntington Beach’s Kiwanis Easter Egg Hunt to take up the fight. As kids passed left and right, as squeals and giggles and laughter filled the air, the tone-deaf goons distributed this flyer …

No porn. Cough. Except the porn we offer up.

1. They are using their iPhones. And for all the people screaming about library pornography, I ask: Do you monitor your kids’ cell phone usage? If not, seriously, STFU on this issue. You don’t get it.