Frank Ciano is what we need in Orange County

Some 3,000 miles east, a blathering, blubbering, 13-IQ MAGA idiot is running for Carmel (N.Y.) Town Supervisor. At least people know where he stands.

Ciano (left) with his untrained animal.

So earlier this week I took some shots at my ol’ hometown of Mahopac, N.Y., where an ICE agent serves as a trustee on the school board. It’s been quite the controversy (locally and nationally), and my thoughts were not appreciated by the area’s rabid, ignorant MAGA majority.

In particular, there’s a dude named Frank Ciano, who is apparently planning a second-straight run to serve as the town supervisor for Carmel, which neighbors Mahopac. And the 54-year-old Ciano … well, he’s a type. He likes recording bitch-session videos while driving his car.¹ He’s fantastic at shouting. And spewing. And snarling. And puffing up. And sounding illiterate, in that special Fred Flintstone-at-the-quarry way. Though minimally educated and lightly informed and dim as a toothpick holder, Ciano behaves as one who knows e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The answers are simple. All the answers are simple. “What we gotta do is …” and “It’s, like, so obvious …”

In Ciano’s eyes, there appear to be three basic truths. Truth 1: America is the bestest country in the world—and if you disagree, leave. Truth 2: Protesting is bullshit—so go fuck yourself. Truth 3: Donald Trump is the greatest—and even if he pardoned every single 1.6 rioter, and even if he cheated on his wife with a porn star he paid off in hush money, and even if he’s trying to get $10 billion of taxpayer money via a bogus lawsuit, and even if he recently posted vile, racist images of the Obamas as primates, and even if the economy is tanking, and even if he mocks people (just like Frank Ciano) as “fat” and “dumb” and “retarded” and “ugly” … hey, it’s MAGA all the way, motherfuckers!

Oh, Ciano also posts videos.

Wildly entertaining videos …

And although morons-who-think-they’re-intelligent are my least-favorite human strand, I will give Frank Ciano this (sincere) credit: He is exactly who he says he is. The man is not pulling punches, or trying to win over moderates. He’s blunt and dumb and vocal and offensive, and he will ride that shit splatter to either an electoral triumph or setback. He will go down swinging as his authentically slow-witted self.

Again, he is exactly who he says he is.

Orange County, on the other hand, overflows with the duplicity of Republicans who talk of loving children, who talk of consensus, who brag about speaking with both sides, who know they need to woo Democrats while simultaneously not losing GOPers. You see this all the time in local elections—school boards, assemblies, water board, etc. “I’m a moderate” and “There are plenty of things I disagree with the president about.”

It’s all show.

If you’re at all paying attention to CA-40, for example, redistricting brought out the worst (but most honest) in Young Kim, Republican incumbent. She was as moderate (sounding) as strawberry ice cream—until she needed to be as conservative as a hunting trip. So now she’s all about Trump, all about ICE raids, all about red meat issues that’ll woo her increasingly right-leaning district. It’s gross—not because she’s conservative, but because there’s a complete lack of integrity. It’s only about winning. Whatever it takes, a soulless, spineless Young Kim needs to win.

Frank Ciano, again, is not my cup of tea. He’s stupid and basic and an easy mark for Donald Trump, succubus of the white, male working class.

But at least he’s not full of shit.

At least he’s real.

PS: For some reason, I never received my invite … :)

1. Seriously, man, just pull over.