Dear Capo Unified Parents: Don't take the bait

The Stepford MAGA Foursome desperately want you to bark and scream and shout over trans athletes. It's a trap. I repeat: It's a trap.

Dear Capo Unified Parents:

Don’t take the bait.

I repeat: Don’t take the bait.

You’ll want to. I know this, because I want to. Like, I really, really want to.

But let’s not.

None of us.

This Wednesday evening, the monthly school board meeting will be held inside the San Juan Capistrano headquarters at 7 o’clock. In past years, these events were lightly attended snooze-fests. Budget talk. Educational initiatives. Teacher and student recognition. “And let’s hear it for Donna Gargano, who placed third in the annual 4-H Fair’s dairy competition!” A school board gathering was the rare governing meet-up where politics were largely insignificant. Left? Right? Meh. The goals were pretty basic: Good schools, good test scores, content pupils.

But then, about a decade ago, a group called Moms for Liberty peed in the lake. They would recruit Christian soldiers disguised as soccer moms to make our schools more … Christian. And pure. And … moral. Only, it had to be their interpretations of pure and moral.

And so, this past election cycle, the nuts-disguised-as-soccer moms took over locally. The Capo Unified board is now dominated by four MAGA screwballs who believe (literally) God placed them in their positions. They are ruthless culture warriors, sent here by their churches and a slew of Christ-infused national organizations (with deep pockets and a legion of zombie followers) to change education; to slay LGBTQ+ empathies and diversity initiatives and librarians and destroy anything that might strike them as ungodly or indecent.

When I think of the four collectively, I flash back to this short scene from the 1996 film, “Beautiful Girls” …

Anyhow, the schedule for the upcoming meeting dropped this weekend, and if you look beneath the headlines and numbers and letters, you’ll find, under the heading DISCUSSION ACTION/INFORMATION ITEMS, this: D. Resolution No. 2425-30, Supporting Title IX and Fairness in Girls’ Interscholastic Sports.

Here, take a gander …

Jargon and linguistic gymnastics aside, this will be the moment in the meeting when the four MAGA churros speak out on behalf of the (cue: sappy music) poor young Capo Unified girls who just want to be able to compete in pools and on courts without (cue: horror music) MEN DRESSED AS WOMEN GOING UP AGAINST THEM!!!!!!! This will be the moment in the meeting where we hear about some boy named Chuck, who became a drag queen name Chuckina, and how in a 100-meter dash in Tishomingo, Oklahoma back in 2019 Chuck-turned-Chuckina crossed the finish line in 2.7 seconds and ruined sports and culture and the big Menudo reunion tour and left his/her/their/its Adam’s apple sweat in a puddle beneath the crumpled sadness of a poor white ponytailed girl named Mandi as she accepted her second-place ribbon. AND IT IS TERRIBLE! AND IT NEEDS TO STOP! AND HELL HAS ARRIVED! AND MEN CAN’T BE WOMEN! SHOULDN’T BE WOMEN! AND WHAT IF THEY USE THE GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM! TO CHANGE! AND WHAT IF THEY EAT TAMPONS! WE NEED TO STOP THIS MADNESS BEFORE IT OVERTAKES CAPO! AND WE NEED TO STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!

It will be scary.

It will be threatening.

It will be the type of discussion where the two Lisas, Judy and Jennifer insist they hate no one. In fact, they love … everyone. They don’t want LGBTQ+ kids to feel ostracized. But … the track! The pool! The softball field! The Adam’s Apple! Menudo! The unfairness of it all!

And, in a reasoned, sane world, someone would stand and say, “Out of curiosity, how many trans athletes do we have at Capo Unified?”

And Lisa Davis, board president, would be forced to mumble, “Um, none.”

“This year?” someone would ask.

And Lisa Davis, board president, would be forced to mumble, “Ever.”

“Well,” someone would ask, “how many trans athletes have Capo teams ever competed against?”

And Lisa Davis, board president, would be forced to mumble, “Um, none.”

“This year?” someone would ask.

And Lisa Davis, board president, would be forced to mumble, “Ever.”

And, after a spell, someone would rise, step to the microphone and say, “This is purely theater, isn’t it? Culture warrior garbage. We elected y’all to improve standards of education, not go all James Dobson Focus on the Family on us. Seriously, cut the bullshit.”

And that would be that.

That.

Would.

Be.

That.

But …

The above scenario absolutely, positively cannot happen. And here’s why: The four-headed MAGA sphincter quartet desperately aspire to become a five-headed MAGA sphincter quartet. They can accomplish this by purging the board of a liberal member. And they know (not incorrectly) that future campaign literature reading [FILL IN THE BLANK CANDIDATE] IS OK WITH BOYS IN THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM! is an absolute winner. It packs a punch. It’s easy to understand. It catches the eyes of those who don’t usually pay attention. It screams [FILL IN THE BLANK CANDIDATE] IS OUT OF TOUCH! and [FILL IN THE BLANK CANDIDATE] HAS NO CLUE! and [FILL IN THE BLANK CANDIDATE] IS WITH THE PERVS!

I’m telling you, what the four Quasimodos of MAGA have in mind with Resolution No. 2425-30 isn’t protecting girls, but dragging this school district even deeper into their white nationalistic chaos bunker. They want this fight. They crave this fight.

So … let’s not give it to them.

On Wednesday evening, when they bring up Resolution No. 2425-30, shrug. Sigh. Laugh. Mumble. Scratch your arm. Blow your nose. Pick up your phone and watch Bo Jackson highlights on YouTube. Obviously, there is a battle here; one that goes far beyond sports into human dignity and understanding. But these dolts don’t give two shits about that. They are old-school wrestling heels, baiting you to enter the ring and throw a chair.

If we do that, however, they win. If we scream about trans athletes, they win. They look sane and reasoned and we look out of touch and bizarre. I am telling you—engaging on the issue on Wednesday night would be a tremendous blunder.

So bide your time, take a deep breath and hold off.

A long game must be played.

These folks aren’t normal.

They’re mean as a snake.