A bigger loser, there has never been.

There is warped. There is super warped. And then there's taking another person's Nobel Peace Prize.

The sloth and his prey.

So last night I had dinner with a longtime friend who was once a member of the United States Olympic team.

We got to talking about medals and trophies, and how they really only hold significance to the person who earns them. For example, if someone wins the Pulitzer and immediately hands it to me, I cannot then say I, in fact, won the Pulitzer. It’s their honor, not mine.

The topic arose because, the other day in Washington, Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado presented Donald Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize. And my friend and I—we could not stop laughing. And laughing. And laughing. And laughing.

Because it was just so … sad, and pathetic.

Or, put differently: Let’s say my friend won a gold medal, and she turned around and decided to give it to me. The conversation would likely go thusly …

FRIEND: “I want to give you my gold medal.”

JEFF: “I can’t accept that.”

FRIEND: “Really, I want you to have it.”

JEFF: “I’m touched. Truly. But you earned it. It’s yours.”

FRIEND: “No, I want you to have it.”

JEFF: “I’m sorry, but I can’t accept. You earned it, not me. I’m flattered that you think so highly and warmly of me, and I’ll hold it once just for the thrill, but then I will hand it back. It’s yours. Please.”

FRIEND: “OK. Wanna get lunch?”

JEFF: “Denny’s is right around the corner.”

And the conversation would go thusly, for … I’M NOT A NARCISSISTIC INSANE PERSON. I WOULDN’T WANT THE GOLD MEDAL BECAUSE IT’S NOT MY FUCKING GOLD MEDAL, AND MY FRIEND WAS THE ONE WHO WORKED HARD TO EARN IT. SO WHY, IN GOD’S NAME, WOULD I EVEN CONSIDER ACCEPTING!? IT WOULD BE TASTELESS AND GROSS AND BIZARRE.

Deep breaths.

I’m aware Donald Trump does a lot of bonkers things. Every. Single. Day. But let’s actually consider this one. He had never met María Corina Machado before yesterday. She clearly wants to ingratiate herself with him, and knows he has a creepy, almost sexual fixation with the Nobel. So she offered it to him. Like a stuffed toy to an infant.

And, again, nobody with even a morsel of humanity accepts someone else’s Nobel Peace Prize. Or Pulitzer Prize. Or American League MVP Trophy. Or Mahopac Middle School Spelling Bee Runner-Up certificate. Like, it doesn’t even make sense. It’s not yours. None of the judges voted for you. The rightful winner is merely trying to kiss your ass. Everyone sees it.

But you are so easily swayed, so driven by accumulation of goods … that you can’t help yourself. Your fat little fingers need to hold the prize; to grasp the prize; to own the prize. “Trump’s entire doctrine,” Maureen Dowd wrote today, “is naked rapacity.

“A fake peace prize from FIFA wasn’t enough for him. The greedy little piggy was licking his lips as María Corina Machado, Venezuela’s opposition leader, curried favor by handing over her Nobel Peace Prize on Thursday. Pathetically, Trump accepted it, giving Machado a swag bag in return that included a medal with his picture on it.”

Now, at long last, Donald Trump has her his Nobel Peace Prize. He didn’t earn it. It’s not his. But he physically possesses it.

Because he is the walking embodiment of a sloth.

PS …